Life lessons suck.
So I just went skydiving with this russian model that I know… and I’ve got to admit, I don’t think i really liked it. Everyones been telling me “oh its a once in a lifetime experience” or “it’ll be the single most amazing thing of your life” and it makes me a little ashamed to not feel the same way …
First, they sit you in this room and have you sign a million waivers and watch this terrifying video of a very plain lawyer (not at all the sexy female lawyer/ Calista Flockheart type, whose looks may have softened the blow ) explaining every section of the legal rights you’re giving away. And then the four minute training video that explains very little about jumping out of aircrafts. Then! we were strapped up in suits that felt way too loose, stuffed into a tiny plane that wobbled and shook in every direction, and forced to listen to the instructors “joke” about how they’ve “never done this before” and they’re “more scared than you are” etc. Heh. SO funny, not at all terrifying. And then right before we were about to jump my instructor says ” If you’re having trouble breathing, just scream, cause you’re probably not going to be breathing”
Uhhhh excuse me? What? No one said anything about not breathing?
Theres no time to comprehend this because my russian model has just plummeted to her death, and we’re about to do the same.
My instructor starts counting, and I’m not listening, just staring at the ground thats so far below us. And then we’re just not in the plane anymore. We’re falling, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels more like a thousand fans are being shoved in front of my face. The instructional video said it felt like flying. I’ve honestly felt more in dreams than I did during the free fall. And of course, in the air, I can’t breathe. So i scream and no sound comes out (just like in those awful dreams!) just like he told me, and all that does is ensure that I’m taking long breaths out, and rapid, terrified shallow breaths in. I’m struggling to move my head cause.. I think that might make me be able to breathe better?
My thoughts for the fall ” The view is beautiful. I’m going to die. What if I suffocate up here? has anyone done that before? *instructor gives me a thumbs up and I give one back to him so I don’t cause any alarm* But, how would I tell him I’m not fine? Thumbs down? Would it matter? could he help me? *panic and stifled scream* The view is beautiful. What am I doing? Why is this lasting so long! The instructor asks if I have contacts, and I say “nooo” and then he takes off my goggles. My eye saving goggles! What if we fell through an area of nats or crazy high altitude bugs?! Why are we still falling? And why aren’t we any closer to the ground! *stifled gasp for air followed by idiotic silent screaming*
And then he pulled the ripcord. And I was saved. My lungs filled with oxygen and even though the chest strap had moved to my neck and was kind of strangling me, I was so relieved.
all of that panic was 45 god damn seconds. Thats it. What a wimp.
The rest of the ride was beautiful. Fall was the most perfect time to go. New hampshire has beautiful foliage. etc. We could see Boston in the distance, all was lovely and soft and calm.
And then of course I couldn’t lift my legs up high enough (cause I’m the worst) and we landed really hard on my foot and leg.
I just feel like such an ultimate failure for not enjoying my sky diving as much as everyone else seems to have. I feel like this says something much bigger about my personality as a whole. I didn’t like it. I have to admit that to myself now. The whole drive home I was pretending I loved it to Olga, I don’t know why. I think I felt guilty. Like I’d somehow disappoint her if I didn’t have a great time. I think I disappointed myself too. I want to be the person who jumps out of planes and climbs mountains and does crazy stuff… but this is just one more example of me learning that who I think I can be and who I am are very different. I just wonder if this is something you can change about yourself or something you shouldn’t even bother trying to.
All I know is that sitting at home all snuggly and nursing a headache from either the fall or the lack of oxygen from my hyperventilating in the air and I can finally admit that I just really didn’t like sky diving all that much. It was fun i guess, but not for me. I wonder if I got that rush of adrenaline that everyone else seems to get. I think I had more of an adrenaline rush later on when I got my $200 speeding ticket than I did in the air.
Life is weird. And very unexpected. I always thought I was a thrill seeker but I guess I’m just a nervous Nelly who gets panic attacks at 13k feet.
Now, do I tell people the truth and bum them out, or do I just pretend to have enjoyed it like everyone else?